Sapphire’s Coming of Witch Story

This is my obligatory “coming of witch” story. Basically, I want to share with you why I became Pagan in the first place, that way we can start out with at least that basic understanding. So, in all honesty I became a Pagan due to loneliness and peer pressure. 

I was just about to turn 18 and most of my friend group had converted to Paganism the year before, and since I was a devote Christian at the time I got left out of conversations and outings quite often. The summer between my junior and senior years I broke down and started exploring everything as a way to get my friends back. 

I dove in headfirst. I was researching everything I could think of, gods, goddess, different types of magic, and taking part in rituals, and even a class a shop used to offer once a week. I fully immersed myself into every aspect I was comfortable with, and even one or two I wasn’t comfortable with yet. It was quite a summer for me that changed many of my outlooks, yet none of my core values or morals changed at all. I still felt like an outsider. 

It took several years, and many situations that were very hard to explain away or ignore, for me to finally come to grips with my change in faith. I suppose the true catalyst for me, what made me really accept that there was no “going back” for me, was when I discovered my connections to the archangel Gabriel. That connection is a story for another day but suffice it to say that he made it very hard to remain in denial.  

Since then, it’s just been me trying so very hard to find my place in the world. My whole family is some form of Christian, be it Baptist, Catholic, or Presbyterian to name a few. I’ve maybe been honest with one person in my entire family, not including my husband, about my beliefs. My sister, who I end up telling everything just because, and of course my husband knows, he knew from the get-go because I don’t hide it, I just don’t talk about it around my family. 

Even now I feel like I’m out of place with my faith. I’ve struggled with many things in my life, and faith, or religion of any kind has always been an oddity for me. I always have doubts, always feel like maybe I’m slipping into the realm of insanity. And I suppose that’s because I practice Paganism with Christian morals and values. The thing is, though, I can’t really deny that I’ve been touched by the Christian God either. 

Maybe it’s my connection to Angels, maybe it’s the fact that I was raised that way, but whatever the reason I can’t deny that I feel the “holy two by four across the head” as my dad says. When I was in therapy for my depression, I ended up going on medication. The nurse practitioner I had to go to for the prescription had a painting on the wall that said, “Be still, and know that I am God.” I can’t tell you the Bible reference anymore, but that was listed too. Seeing that verse is what finally made me relax about my antidepressant. I used to be so against any kind of psych med that I said many times I would absolutely never take any. That picture with that quote felt like permission to get better, which if I’m honest was my real issue. 

I still have no clue what my path is. I have an affinity for Angels, and the Norse pantheon. Which are two very different groups of deities, but that’s where I lie, I guess. Exploration, and meditation are very important for finding one’s path, and are also two things I’m super bad at these days. I have a two year old, and literally just had my second child, and I’ve always had issues with coping with stress. It’s very hard for me to just sit down and concentrate on meditation. As for the exploration part, well let’s just say I’m a bit nervous about various areas to thoroughly explore after a couple huge mishaps when I first started out. 

I am getting better though. I at least know I’m not much for the solitary practice, I like being included or including people when doing magic work or rituals. I do still love learning about every corner of Paganism I can find. I just tend to get easily overwhelmed with life in general and that puts a halt on even things I enjoy. 

I hope going forward you all can keep in mind what my roots are to better understand the route I’ve taken and will take from here. We’re all constantly learning new things!